God's word says that the acts of the sinful nature are obvious. I beg to differ.
Sure there are some obvious ones, but we never start with those. It starts as something smaller and grows. Here is an example...When I got married I was a size 6. By my 5 year anniversary I was a size 10. Well, you say, that had to have been an obvious change. Sure, if all 20 pounds came running up to my front door and asked to stay the night in my favorite pair of jeans, I would have changed my address. But they didn't. They came a pound at a time, barely noticeable. 1 extra little pound doesn't make that much of a difference. Once 19 of its friends are in the room, it begins to get crowded.
Sin is smart, it has seen the war room at Weight Watchers. It knows your game plan. It comes on slow and soon enough your whole life has been invaded and you are standing there, bound tight (in your old jeans) unable to move effectively for God.
I wish I could say that my sin was always as obvious and detectable as 20 extra pounds. Recently I looked in the mirror and saw my heart and soul bound tight with sin. Sin that I didn't even see coming. Sin that I invited in, 1 pound at a time.
Most noteable of my sin is my self-centeredness. It is sooo all about me. How I look, how I dress, what I say. Did you know that I am the most important person to me? That sounds even uglier in my heart than it looks in writing. It is, however, true. When I got pregnant I got very used to being the center of attention. It was all about Princess Jenn and the baby was secondary. How do I look pregnant? Do I look fat? Are people telling me that I am glowing?
Because most people enjoy indulging pregnant women in discussions that revolve around them, this lasted all 9 months. Then I had the baby. Suddenly it was all about him. Suddenly I was consumed with the well being of another. So after a few months I backlashed. I started working out and buying a lot of new clothes. I was loosing weight and getting a lot of compliments. Mission accomplished, the focus is back on me. When I went back to work I decided I would be the best dressed employee so I have literally spent thousands of dollars on clothes. Nevermind that the clothes didn't make up for the fact that I felt seriously depressed about having to work.
I am not saying that all the while I ignored my beautiful baby or husband. I am just saying my heart was oriented south - towards me. However something happened recently to beging to change that. I went to work one day in an all new outfit from Banana Republic. I was feeling good because I had officially hit my goal weight and the new outfit was uber cute. Guess what? I was a walking grave. Cobwebs might has well have been all over my face because my heart was covered.
You see when I was younger two important things shaped how I felt about my looks.
1. My parents didn't have that much money, so I didn't get new clothes very often.
2. My mom was a stylist so the focus in our family was on outward appearance.
So that day I realized that slowly I had put my faith in me. Not 20 pounds in one day, more like an ounce a month for most of my adult life.
I have learned something valuable from this situation. What happens when you grow up and you reach your goal of physical achievement? NOTHING. It doesn't matter and it is all going to return to the ground from which it came.
This leads me to my conclusion....
In Galations 5 Paul makes what is probably the most obvious statement I have ever heard. In fact, it actually commands the response in your mind, "Well, duh?" So obvious in fact, it might be easy to skip it over and in the past I am sure that I have. But not today and probably not every again.
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free."
In unison, we all say: "Duh!" Right? Not so much.
Never before have I envisioned the amount of patience that it took Paul to put these words to paper. But when you really think about it, can't you just see him? Seriously people, what are you thinking? He fufilled the law so that you don't have to be a slave to it. Why are you willingly tying your hands behind your back? Why are you binding your spirits with issues of little importance when the real work is being left undone?
God please forgive me for willingly binding my heart with the issue of physical appearence. Forgive me for thinking about it more than I think about you. I want to live in freedom because that is why you sacrificed. You did not die a brutal death so that I could go to my own grave looking like Paris Hilton (no offense Paris, if you're reading). Your thoughts are higher than that, your concerns greater. Lord help me to see from Your view, please remove the make-up and cobwebs and replace it with your grace.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Back in the summer of 94'
So tonight I read part of the book of Ephesians. I have read this book of the Bible before and at the time learned what I needed to, what will be in store for me this time?. That is the beauty of God's Word - everytime you read it, you learn something new.
According to the notes I made in the margins, the first time I read this book of the Bible I was a senior in high school. I don't always indicate the date when I read a passage, in fact I rarely do. However, I was noticing this date that I wrote down (August of 1994) because it was such a pivitol time in my life. It was nearly 11 years ago and my life was so AMAZINGLY different.
If our lives are divided into seasons, this one was a season of decision making. In the fall of 94' I would break up (for the 6th and final time) with my high school "sweetheart." Please trust me when I say that I use the term "sweetheart" losely, he was mostly a manipulative jerk who desperately wanted to have sex with me. I wouldn't give it up so he eventually found a girl 3 years my junior and took out his teen angst on her. At the time I thought I was missing something, I thought I was making a major sacrifice for God (the not having sex part). It turns out it would be the best (and first) decision of my adult life. In fact, looking back I can't even believe ever considered NOT having sex with him a sacrifice. This brings me to a random thought - that song, Daughters by John Mayer, couldn't be more true. I spent much of my young life without a father. I subsequently spent much of my adolescent years looking for the approval of men through quasi adult relationships that ended in disappointment.
Okay all that said, here a few really fun things I remember about that first boyfriend. He taught me how to drive stick shift in his parents powder blue Volvo. We would go for long drives with the sun roof open in the country and listen to Pearl Jam, Counting Crows, James Taylor, 10,000 Maniacs and Led Zepplin. I can still smell the fresh air and feel my face warming in the sun. I thought we could drive forever. When he asked me to our junior prom, he did it in the middle of what we called the "rally court" at school and everyone was watching as his friends stood on the roof of the math building holding a sign that said "Will you go to the Prom with me???" Ah, sweet memories of simpler times.
The other decision I would make in the Fall of 94' would be probably the most pivitol in my life thus far. God, why do you let 17 year olds make such huge decisions??? Anyway, I was set on becoming a doctor. Nevermind my serious lack of skills in the science and math fields. I figured my grades were good and I was a well rounded student so, why not? So, I applied to UC Davis, St. Mary's college and CSU Sonoma (I have no idea where I came up with that one). Well it turns out the CA state school system had a buy one get one free sale that year and if you applied to one state school, you could automatically apply to another for free. So, out of sheer guesswork I decided to add Cal Poly to the mix. I had never seen the school but I knew a lot of people who liked it and where applying so I went for it. My heart was set on UC Davis. My best friend of 10 years (at the time) was applying to Davis and since we were 8 years old we had pledged to a). be best friends forever and b.) be roomates in college.
Well, as it turned out I had a class my senior year of high school called AP Government. I took the class because all of my friends were in it and it is a good thing I did because, well,I fell in love. I fell in love with debating, with history and politics and how the two intertwined. I fell in love with public speaking (I know I am a freak) and I knew that it would be the field in which my personality type would excel. I could muscle my way through a degree and career in the sciences, but politics...it just came naturally. So here I am in the winter of my senior year, waiting for letters from schools. Schools that had recieved my application for admission for a degree in Biological Science. I knew that I no longer wanted to be in that field and I was really stressed. I wished I could be like Evie on Out of this World and put my index fingers together, freeze time and re-apply.
Needless to say, the rejection letters poured in. Biological Science was an impacted major at every school and a GPA of 4.0 just wasn't good enough. I needed to also be a concert pianist or have mastered the art of Tae Kwon Do against all cultural odds. I didn't get in to Davis and that was the crusher. Sonoma State said they would be proud to have me but I didn't care. I wanted to go to Davis with Stacey. I even apealed the decision to the college dean. No beans. Cal Poly said "no" to me as well but they also said they would be calling me about "other opportunities." I didn't know what that meant at the time. I would soon come to know this opportunity as God stepping in and divining my path.
That year for the first time Cal Poly had received three times as many qualified applicants as they could find room for. So they started calling the students they had to reject and ask them if they would like to interview for a spot in a non-impacted major. "Ring, Ring, hello J? This is Professor Hallack of the Soil Science Department at Cal Poly." Well what do you know, I just so have an interest in dirt. My new found debating skills earned me a spot in this department and a grade-A college to attend in the Fall of 95'. I would later switch majors and never look back.
The final major decision that happened that year was more on accident that anything else. I fell in love, real love for the first time. In my senior english class there was a boy named Michael and he was a nerd. A lovely one. We became study partners and then friends and then we kissed for the first time. It was his first kiss and my first encounter with tenderness. At the time I didn't know it but he would be the one to drive me away from my house and to my first day at college. His family would be the first that I would feel like was also my own. He would also be my only friend in a really big and scary new world. There is so much more to the story of Michael, but for my senior year the story was nothing but good.
So it was the year of decisions and the year of Ephesians. Interestingly enough Ephesians is mostly about God's love for us. It is about living out that love on an earth that makes it darn near impossible to do on most days. Looking back on this time of my life, I can see God's love surrounding me and guiding me...even through the disappointment. God, will I look back 11 years from now on this time and see the same? I don't have a college to apply to or a high school boyfriend to deal with. The stakes are much higher now, now I am raising a boy and building a life with my family. Please don't leave me now, I can't imagine needing you more.
According to the notes I made in the margins, the first time I read this book of the Bible I was a senior in high school. I don't always indicate the date when I read a passage, in fact I rarely do. However, I was noticing this date that I wrote down (August of 1994) because it was such a pivitol time in my life. It was nearly 11 years ago and my life was so AMAZINGLY different.
If our lives are divided into seasons, this one was a season of decision making. In the fall of 94' I would break up (for the 6th and final time) with my high school "sweetheart." Please trust me when I say that I use the term "sweetheart" losely, he was mostly a manipulative jerk who desperately wanted to have sex with me. I wouldn't give it up so he eventually found a girl 3 years my junior and took out his teen angst on her. At the time I thought I was missing something, I thought I was making a major sacrifice for God (the not having sex part). It turns out it would be the best (and first) decision of my adult life. In fact, looking back I can't even believe ever considered NOT having sex with him a sacrifice. This brings me to a random thought - that song, Daughters by John Mayer, couldn't be more true. I spent much of my young life without a father. I subsequently spent much of my adolescent years looking for the approval of men through quasi adult relationships that ended in disappointment.
Okay all that said, here a few really fun things I remember about that first boyfriend. He taught me how to drive stick shift in his parents powder blue Volvo. We would go for long drives with the sun roof open in the country and listen to Pearl Jam, Counting Crows, James Taylor, 10,000 Maniacs and Led Zepplin. I can still smell the fresh air and feel my face warming in the sun. I thought we could drive forever. When he asked me to our junior prom, he did it in the middle of what we called the "rally court" at school and everyone was watching as his friends stood on the roof of the math building holding a sign that said "Will you go to the Prom with me???" Ah, sweet memories of simpler times.
The other decision I would make in the Fall of 94' would be probably the most pivitol in my life thus far. God, why do you let 17 year olds make such huge decisions??? Anyway, I was set on becoming a doctor. Nevermind my serious lack of skills in the science and math fields. I figured my grades were good and I was a well rounded student so, why not? So, I applied to UC Davis, St. Mary's college and CSU Sonoma (I have no idea where I came up with that one). Well it turns out the CA state school system had a buy one get one free sale that year and if you applied to one state school, you could automatically apply to another for free. So, out of sheer guesswork I decided to add Cal Poly to the mix. I had never seen the school but I knew a lot of people who liked it and where applying so I went for it. My heart was set on UC Davis. My best friend of 10 years (at the time) was applying to Davis and since we were 8 years old we had pledged to a). be best friends forever and b.) be roomates in college.
Well, as it turned out I had a class my senior year of high school called AP Government. I took the class because all of my friends were in it and it is a good thing I did because, well,I fell in love. I fell in love with debating, with history and politics and how the two intertwined. I fell in love with public speaking (I know I am a freak) and I knew that it would be the field in which my personality type would excel. I could muscle my way through a degree and career in the sciences, but politics...it just came naturally. So here I am in the winter of my senior year, waiting for letters from schools. Schools that had recieved my application for admission for a degree in Biological Science. I knew that I no longer wanted to be in that field and I was really stressed. I wished I could be like Evie on Out of this World and put my index fingers together, freeze time and re-apply.
Needless to say, the rejection letters poured in. Biological Science was an impacted major at every school and a GPA of 4.0 just wasn't good enough. I needed to also be a concert pianist or have mastered the art of Tae Kwon Do against all cultural odds. I didn't get in to Davis and that was the crusher. Sonoma State said they would be proud to have me but I didn't care. I wanted to go to Davis with Stacey. I even apealed the decision to the college dean. No beans. Cal Poly said "no" to me as well but they also said they would be calling me about "other opportunities." I didn't know what that meant at the time. I would soon come to know this opportunity as God stepping in and divining my path.
That year for the first time Cal Poly had received three times as many qualified applicants as they could find room for. So they started calling the students they had to reject and ask them if they would like to interview for a spot in a non-impacted major. "Ring, Ring, hello J? This is Professor Hallack of the Soil Science Department at Cal Poly." Well what do you know, I just so have an interest in dirt. My new found debating skills earned me a spot in this department and a grade-A college to attend in the Fall of 95'. I would later switch majors and never look back.
The final major decision that happened that year was more on accident that anything else. I fell in love, real love for the first time. In my senior english class there was a boy named Michael and he was a nerd. A lovely one. We became study partners and then friends and then we kissed for the first time. It was his first kiss and my first encounter with tenderness. At the time I didn't know it but he would be the one to drive me away from my house and to my first day at college. His family would be the first that I would feel like was also my own. He would also be my only friend in a really big and scary new world. There is so much more to the story of Michael, but for my senior year the story was nothing but good.
So it was the year of decisions and the year of Ephesians. Interestingly enough Ephesians is mostly about God's love for us. It is about living out that love on an earth that makes it darn near impossible to do on most days. Looking back on this time of my life, I can see God's love surrounding me and guiding me...even through the disappointment. God, will I look back 11 years from now on this time and see the same? I don't have a college to apply to or a high school boyfriend to deal with. The stakes are much higher now, now I am raising a boy and building a life with my family. Please don't leave me now, I can't imagine needing you more.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Let's get it started, HA!
This is my third attempt at blogging. This time I am really serious. No really. Does everyone else feel like me? Like you have something to say that the whole world might just want to hear but you can't seem to get it out? I can't seem to do or say anything original but in my heart and soul I see myself as witty and creative and entertaining. Oh how we are all SOOOOOOO self-deluded.
Really I am just a girl, trying to navigate life as best as possible. I realized this week how rich I am. No not Paris Hilton rich. More like my heart is full, rich. I have a loving husband and adorable son. A nice house and great job. I am skinnier than before I got pregnant (not an easy thing to accomplish!), I work out, I read, I have amazing friends. But my heart can still be so empty. The truth is, when I add up all of the things of this world, it comes up as a loss. A debit in my account. My marriage could be perfect, my children successful, my job full of promotions but I would still be left wishing for more. Hoping.
I have a hole in my heart that only God can fill. I have tried to run for so many years from dependence on Him. I have tried to be someone that I am not. All of my failures are heaped on my head by the world and yet His simple plan of grace comes in and saves me. His sacrifice resonates throughout the earth. I have such a hard time accepting it. I have such a hard time understanding it. What is my purpose Lord? Why did you pull me out of the mire? What difference will I make?
I want to start this blog off right. All you need to know about me is that I believe I am a sinner, saved by grace. I make mistakes and my heart runs afoul of God's plan. I am unmistakably human. However I am unbelievably loved. This is my journey towards believing that love and living it out.
At 28, I have seen a lot. However I will admit I have grown up in a priviledged generation. As women we did not have to fight for equal rights and we faced little challenge in receiving an education. Our moms may have divorced our dads but we got new clothes and a nintendo out of the deal. We were taught that we could do anything if we put our mind to it. We could be perfect! That worked great through high school and college. Then we got married and had kids. Guess what? You can't be a perfect wife, mother and career woman. THERE IS NO SUCH FREAKING THING! But what now? If I can't do it all right, do I do it all halfway? Hell no. I am gonna drive myself mad trying to make it all work. I am going to earn that promotion, go on that diet, cook for my husband, read to my child and go for a run. Every night I am gonna drop into bed like a led weight and close my eyes and pray that I have the strength to be perfect again tomorrow.
That is where He comes in. He tells me to slow down. He tells me to listen, my son is laughing. He tells me to look, my husband is reaching for my hand. He reminds me to live.
Really I am just a girl, trying to navigate life as best as possible. I realized this week how rich I am. No not Paris Hilton rich. More like my heart is full, rich. I have a loving husband and adorable son. A nice house and great job. I am skinnier than before I got pregnant (not an easy thing to accomplish!), I work out, I read, I have amazing friends. But my heart can still be so empty. The truth is, when I add up all of the things of this world, it comes up as a loss. A debit in my account. My marriage could be perfect, my children successful, my job full of promotions but I would still be left wishing for more. Hoping.
I have a hole in my heart that only God can fill. I have tried to run for so many years from dependence on Him. I have tried to be someone that I am not. All of my failures are heaped on my head by the world and yet His simple plan of grace comes in and saves me. His sacrifice resonates throughout the earth. I have such a hard time accepting it. I have such a hard time understanding it. What is my purpose Lord? Why did you pull me out of the mire? What difference will I make?
I want to start this blog off right. All you need to know about me is that I believe I am a sinner, saved by grace. I make mistakes and my heart runs afoul of God's plan. I am unmistakably human. However I am unbelievably loved. This is my journey towards believing that love and living it out.
At 28, I have seen a lot. However I will admit I have grown up in a priviledged generation. As women we did not have to fight for equal rights and we faced little challenge in receiving an education. Our moms may have divorced our dads but we got new clothes and a nintendo out of the deal. We were taught that we could do anything if we put our mind to it. We could be perfect! That worked great through high school and college. Then we got married and had kids. Guess what? You can't be a perfect wife, mother and career woman. THERE IS NO SUCH FREAKING THING! But what now? If I can't do it all right, do I do it all halfway? Hell no. I am gonna drive myself mad trying to make it all work. I am going to earn that promotion, go on that diet, cook for my husband, read to my child and go for a run. Every night I am gonna drop into bed like a led weight and close my eyes and pray that I have the strength to be perfect again tomorrow.
That is where He comes in. He tells me to slow down. He tells me to listen, my son is laughing. He tells me to look, my husband is reaching for my hand. He reminds me to live.
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