Waiting

I keep waiting for relevance. I am standing on tip toes looking over the fence into life, waiting. I thought it would be easier than this. I thought that when I "got" certain things the struggle would be over, or at the very least, lessened. However, that longing inside me to be someone and make a difference keeps getting stronger. Yet my personal belief that I actually can do something special is waning with every second.
I became a Christian with the sincere belief that it was the truth and that it would set me free. I thought it would all happen for me quickly and if not quickly then at least with little fuss. Fuss is how I would describe the years since. Just a lot of fuss and drama and wrangling and confusion. The desires inside me, the real human ones seem stronger today than yesterday. My internal clock of rebellion seems like a ticking time bomb. I thought that I had dealt with these things when I became a Christian. But really I just spent years avoiding them. I crushed any spirit of discontentment with shame. I told myself that I was lucky to have been sought out by God and that I was set apart. I was (and still am) set apart but I am learning that set apart doesn't mean spared from sin or struggle.
Years of Christianity have taught me more of what I don't know than what I do know about myself and the world around me. I don't know why God is the way He is.m I don't know why He does the things He does. Sometimes my heart doesn't even believe that He is good. Sometimes I am embarrased to be a Christian. Sometimes I am embarrased by how much of Christian I am not. Would Jesus recognize Christianity even? Would He say that my version is what He had in mind?

A lot of me is being challenged right now. I am being tempted and torn in so many directions. I want to stick to my faith like I did when things seemed hard before. But now they are really hard and I don't think I was prepared for this type of committment. So here is my real question - Don't all of us just really want to be super human on the inside? Don't we all want to be the person that in the last hour does the right thing or the miraculous thing? I know that I do but right now I am so scared that I am going to do the wrong thing that I could just cry. But I won't, I will just wait and see if God that meets me in this place is relevant for my moment. My first real moment of testing.