Let's get it started, HA!

This is my third attempt at blogging. This time I am really serious. No really. Does everyone else feel like me? Like you have something to say that the whole world might just want to hear but you can't seem to get it out? I can't seem to do or say anything original but in my heart and soul I see myself as witty and creative and entertaining. Oh how we are all SOOOOOOO self-deluded.

Really I am just a girl, trying to navigate life as best as possible. I realized this week how rich I am. No not Paris Hilton rich. More like my heart is full, rich. I have a loving husband and adorable son. A nice house and great job. I am skinnier than before I got pregnant (not an easy thing to accomplish!), I work out, I read, I have amazing friends. But my heart can still be so empty. The truth is, when I add up all of the things of this world, it comes up as a loss. A debit in my account. My marriage could be perfect, my children successful, my job full of promotions but I would still be left wishing for more. Hoping.

I have a hole in my heart that only God can fill. I have tried to run for so many years from dependence on Him. I have tried to be someone that I am not. All of my failures are heaped on my head by the world and yet His simple plan of grace comes in and saves me. His sacrifice resonates throughout the earth. I have such a hard time accepting it. I have such a hard time understanding it. What is my purpose Lord? Why did you pull me out of the mire? What difference will I make?

I want to start this blog off right. All you need to know about me is that I believe I am a sinner, saved by grace. I make mistakes and my heart runs afoul of God's plan. I am unmistakably human. However I am unbelievably loved. This is my journey towards believing that love and living it out.

At 28, I have seen a lot. However I will admit I have grown up in a priviledged generation. As women we did not have to fight for equal rights and we faced little challenge in receiving an education. Our moms may have divorced our dads but we got new clothes and a nintendo out of the deal. We were taught that we could do anything if we put our mind to it. We could be perfect! That worked great through high school and college. Then we got married and had kids. Guess what? You can't be a perfect wife, mother and career woman. THERE IS NO SUCH FREAKING THING! But what now? If I can't do it all right, do I do it all halfway? Hell no. I am gonna drive myself mad trying to make it all work. I am going to earn that promotion, go on that diet, cook for my husband, read to my child and go for a run. Every night I am gonna drop into bed like a led weight and close my eyes and pray that I have the strength to be perfect again tomorrow.

That is where He comes in. He tells me to slow down. He tells me to listen, my son is laughing. He tells me to look, my husband is reaching for my hand. He reminds me to live.