Great quote...if you like politics

"How small of all human hearts can endure, that which part laws or kings can cure."
- Samuel Johnson

Submit, Woman!

It has been a while since I last posted. I have been very, very busy with things like children's birthday parties, work and other frivolities. My son, Isaac, turned 1 year old on Sunday. So that day marked the anniversary of his entrance into this crazy world and it marked exactly one year from the day that I thought I was going to die. Really, people, I thought I would die giving birth to that 9lb baby.
Anyway, I have been reading a new book called "Liberated through Submission." Anyone who knows me knows that I don't like to submit to, well, anything. I don't like people telling me what to do. I am a sensible woman and I can think for myself, thank you. I managed to make it this far without any major catastrophies so no need to direct me, no sir. However, this book is saying that not submitting to earthly authorities (boss, parents, teachers, husbands, etc.) is a form of rebellion and the Old Testament says that rebellion is akin to witchcraft. SAY WHAT? WITCHCRAFT? Hmm. That caught my attention.

I thought rebellion was just part of who I am, and God was like, "Yep, it is a part of you. A part of you I would like to change."

And I was all, "Excuse me?"

And He was all, "Yeah you heard me, fool."

Just kidding. God is totally not ghetto like that. I don't think.

Anyway, since I read that verse I started thinking about areas where I rebel and I wouldn't have ever thought that there are as many as I have time to count. The following contains a partial list of my rebellious transgressions:

- I speed
- I sometime curse
- I let my anger get the best of me
- I don't listen to my boss
- I don't listen to my husband
- I often think that I "know better" than others in authority over me
- I can't go on because this is depressing me....

So, I am rebellious and God says that he views rebellion as witchcraft because it is a desire to be like God - to rule your own dominion. That really hit me hard BUT I am excited to see that area of my life for what it is. Only when God brings things to our attention can we really try to change them. I now realize that God is going to fight my battles, God is going to change hearts, minds and situations, not me. What a weight off of my shoulders.

I just need to remember to submit to God all of my burdens. He alone knows my name, my heart, my struggles, my story, my needs, my weaknesses, my abilities, and my future. No one else is above Him, especially not me.

Fear and obedience in San Diego

I am learning something about myself that I really don't like. I think this is one of those lifelong lessons that if you let it, begins to change the tide of your life.

When I was younger, I made most of my decisions out of fear. Fear that I would get hurt, fear that I would disappoint (parents, teachers, friends, etc.) fear that I would get caught, fear that I would reap consequences, fear that God would be angry with me, fear that someone would find out who I really was. I was watching an interview on television recently with Will Ferrell. I think he is arguably one of the funniest men on earth right now. In this interview he reveals something of himself, I believe, without even realizing it. When asked about how he is handling all of the fame and success, he says: " I feel like I am at a very fancy black tie party and no one has yet to notice that I am wearing a gold tank top."

This man makes $20 million a movie and he still feels like an imposter waiting to be revealed as such. This is my life (without the $20 million). I live in fear waiting for it all to come crashing down. If things are going well, I think something must be wrong. This expectation of impending disaster has really shaped my personality. It has also shaped my decisions, until recently.

So, when I was in high school and college, I definitely did some things that wouldn't make my parents proud. However, I really didn't have a rebellious stage. There was no tattoos or 3 day drunken stupers. There was good grades and church (again, for the most part). I didn't realize it at the time but most of the "good" decisions I made had nothing to do with obedience and everything to do with fear.

So, as an adult, the fear is beginning to subside. Which is a blessing in a sense. I really no longer live in fear of what people think of me, I have become much more confident. I have a loving family, nice home and a great job. All is pretty well in place. That is until San Diego.

I was desperately trying to be like the people around me. I was trying to hide my faith and escape from my real life for a while. When I woke up Thursday morning, hung over, I sat there wondering what would have possessed me to drink and party on a business trip more than I had in college? The answer wasn't clear until this morning. The fear is gone. I have been trying to let go of the fear for so long, I didn't realize that some of it is healthy (fear of God).

So what now? I think God is moving me into a different phase. Before I didn't "party" because I was inexperienced at such things and didn't like being out of my element. Now, if I chose not to "party" it will be out of obedience. When I was afraid of making bad decisions, the good decisions came out of fear not a desire to actually chose God over man. Now, the choice will be more clear cut.... Do I chose God or man?

Lord, I have failed miserably. I have opened doors of thought and windows of opportunity that I wish desperately to close but cannot on my own. Grow my desire to obey, forgive me of my sins. Bind the enemy from keeping me in shame. Jesus let the fear subside and the obedience grow. I love you and I want my life to be about you alone.