Fear and obedience in San Diego

I am learning something about myself that I really don't like. I think this is one of those lifelong lessons that if you let it, begins to change the tide of your life.

When I was younger, I made most of my decisions out of fear. Fear that I would get hurt, fear that I would disappoint (parents, teachers, friends, etc.) fear that I would get caught, fear that I would reap consequences, fear that God would be angry with me, fear that someone would find out who I really was. I was watching an interview on television recently with Will Ferrell. I think he is arguably one of the funniest men on earth right now. In this interview he reveals something of himself, I believe, without even realizing it. When asked about how he is handling all of the fame and success, he says: " I feel like I am at a very fancy black tie party and no one has yet to notice that I am wearing a gold tank top."

This man makes $20 million a movie and he still feels like an imposter waiting to be revealed as such. This is my life (without the $20 million). I live in fear waiting for it all to come crashing down. If things are going well, I think something must be wrong. This expectation of impending disaster has really shaped my personality. It has also shaped my decisions, until recently.

So, when I was in high school and college, I definitely did some things that wouldn't make my parents proud. However, I really didn't have a rebellious stage. There was no tattoos or 3 day drunken stupers. There was good grades and church (again, for the most part). I didn't realize it at the time but most of the "good" decisions I made had nothing to do with obedience and everything to do with fear.

So, as an adult, the fear is beginning to subside. Which is a blessing in a sense. I really no longer live in fear of what people think of me, I have become much more confident. I have a loving family, nice home and a great job. All is pretty well in place. That is until San Diego.

I was desperately trying to be like the people around me. I was trying to hide my faith and escape from my real life for a while. When I woke up Thursday morning, hung over, I sat there wondering what would have possessed me to drink and party on a business trip more than I had in college? The answer wasn't clear until this morning. The fear is gone. I have been trying to let go of the fear for so long, I didn't realize that some of it is healthy (fear of God).

So what now? I think God is moving me into a different phase. Before I didn't "party" because I was inexperienced at such things and didn't like being out of my element. Now, if I chose not to "party" it will be out of obedience. When I was afraid of making bad decisions, the good decisions came out of fear not a desire to actually chose God over man. Now, the choice will be more clear cut.... Do I chose God or man?

Lord, I have failed miserably. I have opened doors of thought and windows of opportunity that I wish desperately to close but cannot on my own. Grow my desire to obey, forgive me of my sins. Bind the enemy from keeping me in shame. Jesus let the fear subside and the obedience grow. I love you and I want my life to be about you alone.